How I dislike those doctors that receive patients privately!  For eye tests one is obliged to go to them because the state ones have waiting lists over one year. This one  - well, at first I thought he might have been better, but he ended up charging 140 euro. That included a field of vision test, but he never offered me the option of doing it on the health service, which for me wouldn't have cots anything.  He then proceeded to put drops in my eyes without asking my consent or telling me what they were for. He wanted to use atropine but I wouldn't let him. He says I have to go back.  He did say one interesting thing: there are five indicators of optic neuropathy: damage to retina and vitreous substance, change to colour perception (I have) irregular involuntary eye movements, pain, The visual evoked potential test isn't necessary he said.

Remembering.
Tonight I spent time, while lying flat in bed (and that's when my brains seems to work better, strangely enough! It must lead to better blood flow!!) recalling the day's events.  It was a great effort. The tinnitus seemed to be part of huge background noise in my brain, which seemed to block my efforts to think and recall. The memories are there, but the effort of concentrating to recall them is very hard.  I find my concentration wanders so I don't finish the task.  While trying to remember yesterday, I'd get sudden flashes of memories back to events int he past week, which yesterday I also thought about trying to recall.  So what the neuropsychologist says is true - it's not so much a memory problem as a concentration problem. I had some success, in short bursts, as if I had to wait for a flash of memory to break through all the noise which was trying to prevent me remembering.  So here's what I remembered:
In the morning, I remember going to P, the water dripping off the trees, no one around.  It was early.  R didn't poo in her usual spot.  I can't remember where she did poo.  Fed her some hay, but no supplement cos it finished last week, and cut some branches of that huge weed for her.  Ate yoghurt and fruit salad for brekky. Asked flat people if they wanted a change of sheets, but they said not. Went to L, to Centro per lavoro and spoke to several women there about S's wanting to take on staff and what kind of contracts he could offer, how the apprendistato system works, etc. A bit concerned they want to know the tax codes of the people he wants to employ. Suspicious they are going to check up on him, maybe send people round to check. Luckily they don't know what company I was from. Then to S's office. where he asked me to check mouldings for badly moulded ones.  First I recharged my phone at the bar, to discover to my amazement that the bar is now staffed by Chinese!! Then to C S utensileria to get new maschi and files. Then back to checking. Talked to O quite a while. They have signed contract and we discussed the move. I advised that they'd need to take the wardrobe apart.  At one point I came back in to find V had arrived and was eating lunch with S who'd bought his at a sort of takeaway place nearby. Then she left, I went to O to another utensileria where I even managed to get a new saw blade for myself. Finished checking the pieces. S was quite open and willing to talk!!! Very happy about that!!! Spent an hour hanging around at the end of the afternoon while he talked on the phone, then went home, fed hens and R, and filled the water bottles. T came, we had soup for supper, S made pasta with tuna. Then he ate chocolate and fell asleep on the sag bag. usual effort to get him to go to bed, which he did, being totally exhausted at 9pm. So a decent night's sleep - finally - after a week of averaging 5 hours per night. Tried contacting Sally, to no avail. Forgot to lock up hens, so have just done it, half an hour ago!!  It's currently 5am! Great programme about Georgia and its successful fight to stamp out corruption in the 2000s. On "The Insight", must remember another good programme on the blessed BBC.  I also remember various alarming feelings of weakness , especially in the lower calf muscles, but also lots of tingling in lower arms and legs, at times, and a spread of the numbness and concurrent itchiness across my shoulders, affecting part of the right shoulder for the first time. However, at time of writing, I'm noticing all this has died down so perhaps it was due to the Val Cd walk, which tired me out.  When Ia arrived there, I noticed I couldn't write very well.
So what a lot I DO remember!! The memories truly are there, it's the recall and concentration that is the problem. But writing helps, it helps make words flow so much better than when I try to speak.  Lately I've noticed difficulty forming coherent utterances.
While recalling yesterday, I had and have flashback memories to last week.  For example, remembering my walk to Val Cd, and everything that happened that day.
Then remembering on Sunday that after lunch of ravioli, T and I went to see AM, R and C, I didn't think to take them eggs but T took the saffron from D. Had a lovely chat to C and we've agreed to meet up in M during the winter weekends to go to exhibitions and see interesting places there.
Sunday - S suggested we come to L and have a pizza - great idea!!  Well done S for remembering my pledge of only a week earlier to meet up each week for a meal and chat! What else did I do?? had a nap, then went to R's for a nice chat. Flashback - remember trying to recharge phone online and it didn't work - furious!!
Today I asked O about my idea to recall what we had done a week ago.  She remembered she had gone to the city far with M.  I only remember doing the lesson for D and that it was a lovely sunny day. Nothing else about last Monday.
In the week -  what do I remember,? Well I have had some flashback memories of going to M and deciding my jerkin was dirty so taking it to the launderette. I also visited the telecom shop to no avail. And the photography shop about my films. Not ready yet.
I ordered new shoes on Thursday, was it? Maybe Wednesday. but got messages to say they hadn't been shipped. However they have been now. Must buy new walking boots - mine are slicks.  Wednesday M phoned because I was supposed to go for the lesson that day.  I had moved the appointment to Thursday thinking I had made a mistake, but that was the mistake. We had a nice lesson, G being there too, and M laughs such a lot! I realise that's probably the only time she laughs. Bumped into her in the Telecom shop the next day, along with the B and B people from O. S came Friday evening and the lesson went well.  Have contacted old students to see if they want to continue.  Some do, some don't.
Tuesday,? Well A came and we emptied out the shoe cupboard.  great job! Nearly forgot something last week - what was it?? No, it was the week before.  I was talking to the fact people, showing them the  hens, and suddenly realised I was supposed to be at Ms to sort out the documents for the casa vacanza registration.  But the rest of Tuesday??
Wednesday?? Just had a flashback that Friday afternoon went to the trade fair in M to S's stand.  The trade fair was mind-boggling! And it was so nice spending time with S, who appreciated my having come. we stopped at M on the way back!!
I remember doing some cooking - was it Wednesday or Tuesday? Maybe Wed. made a big big lasagne and apple pie.
The project "fat-rich , low carb diet is going well, but I'm no longer a rist. I also try to keep the "one purple food a day" part going, though blueberries no longer available. Plums and beetroot are a substitute.
Hey, given time, things do come back!! It's slow, my recall, but more's there than I thought.
I've tried listening to Rosie si prienteni ei, and got on quite well. Also purcelus Pepa. I'm bored now!!! But more positive about state of brain!!

S.  S... It's painful to live with someone who seems to reject you.  Who doesn't want much to do with you.  Who ignores you.  No sign of affection.  But today, amazingly, he actually talked to me when I went down to the office and opened up, for about ten minutes.  later in the pizzeriaI explained that myself and T are always behind him and that he should talk to us.  I suggested me meet each week and share a meal together.  He harrumphed at that but seemed to accept it.  In response to my complaint he never tells me what is going on, he complained that when he shares ideas and projects with me I say negative things, such as commenting about it being illegal to use bars to block the back door into the office if he has employees.  I tried to explain that these comments were not at all meant as criticisms, but to help him look at things more broadly, to see snags that might lead to trouble in future.  Because T was and is, so rash, rushing headlong into things and not even caring about doing things right, so that he ends up in trouble.  But now, lying in bed, I realise that the reason I look at things more negatively is that I'm trying to protect him. I want to keep him from danger, so I look for it constantly. That's a mother's undying love for her child. But in the meantime, I'm living with someone who doesn't want to live with me.  I want to leave this house, go to Britain, go to Romania,  Go, go....

He is brilliant though, what a mind!

How many times have I harmed my children?  I've thought of this before, and it returns again tonight,  S.  My idea it was for T to buy him the motocross bike, though T was against it. He was right.  Look what happened there.  Me being keen for S to do pole vaulting, which could easily have ended in serious disability or even death, as a consequence of that fall.  Then me not intervening more actively with O five years ago.  Why didn't I go to London? Why didn't I get her to talk to me about her feelings?  It nearly ended in disaster. She could have ended her life. And then S.  me pushing her to get a boyfriend.  Well she has.  There's a saying, "Be careful what you wish for",  and it's so true.  I don't have any current guilt about G.  but must remember not to push him in any direction, such as trying to marry an American, though I have been guilty of this in the past.

I am hoping so much that the doctors will offer cortisone when I do my checkup on Wednesday.  What if they don't? What will I do?  I don't know. I find it so difficult to talk to them.  To explain.  I think I can muster a few coherent sentences to talk bout my physical symptoms but Heaven knows how I could try to summarise the cognitive and personality effects.  Sometimes I feel like I'm getting dementia.  I can't possibly say That!  But I mean it.  Sometimes I sit there, unable to think of anything.  As if my personality is being slowly eroded away.