How I dislike those doctors that receive patients privately!  For eye tests one is obliged to go to them because the state ones have waiting lists over one year. This one  - well, at first I thought he might have been better, but he ended up charging 140 euro. That included a field of vision test, but he never offered me the option of doing it on the health service, which for me wouldn't have cots anything.  He then proceeded to put drops in my eyes without asking my consent or telling me what they were for. He wanted to use atropine but I wouldn't let him. He says I have to go back.  He did say one interesting thing: there are five indicators of optic neuropathy: damage to retina and vitreous substance, change to colour perception (I have) irregular involuntary eye movements, pain, The visual evoked potential test isn't necessary he said.

Remembering.
Tonight I spent time, while lying flat in bed (and that's when my brains seems to work better, strangely enough! It must lead to better blood flow!!) recalling the day's events.  It was a great effort. The tinnitus seemed to be part of huge background noise in my brain, which seemed to block my efforts to think and recall. The memories are there, but the effort of concentrating to recall them is very hard.  I find my concentration wanders so I don't finish the task.  While trying to remember yesterday, I'd get sudden flashes of memories back to events int he past week, which yesterday I also thought about trying to recall.  So what the neuropsychologist says is true - it's not so much a memory problem as a concentration problem. I had some success, in short bursts, as if I had to wait for a flash of memory to break through all the noise which was trying to prevent me remembering.  So here's what I remembered:
In the morning, I remember going to P, the water dripping off the trees, no one around.  It was early.  R didn't poo in her usual spot.  I can't remember where she did poo.  Fed her some hay, but no supplement cos it finished last week, and cut some branches of that huge weed for her.  Ate yoghurt and fruit salad for brekky. Asked flat people if they wanted a change of sheets, but they said not. Went to L, to Centro per lavoro and spoke to several women there about S's wanting to take on staff and what kind of contracts he could offer, how the apprendistato system works, etc. A bit concerned they want to know the tax codes of the people he wants to employ. Suspicious they are going to check up on him, maybe send people round to check. Luckily they don't know what company I was from. Then to S's office. where he asked me to check mouldings for badly moulded ones.  First I recharged my phone at the bar, to discover to my amazement that the bar is now staffed by Chinese!! Then to C S utensileria to get new maschi and files. Then back to checking. Talked to O quite a while. They have signed contract and we discussed the move. I advised that they'd need to take the wardrobe apart.  At one point I came back in to find V had arrived and was eating lunch with S who'd bought his at a sort of takeaway place nearby. Then she left, I went to O to another utensileria where I even managed to get a new saw blade for myself. Finished checking the pieces. S was quite open and willing to talk!!! Very happy about that!!! Spent an hour hanging around at the end of the afternoon while he talked on the phone, then went home, fed hens and R, and filled the water bottles. T came, we had soup for supper, S made pasta with tuna. Then he ate chocolate and fell asleep on the sag bag. usual effort to get him to go to bed, which he did, being totally exhausted at 9pm. So a decent night's sleep - finally - after a week of averaging 5 hours per night. Tried contacting Sally, to no avail. Forgot to lock up hens, so have just done it, half an hour ago!!  It's currently 5am! Great programme about Georgia and its successful fight to stamp out corruption in the 2000s. On "The Insight", must remember another good programme on the blessed BBC.  I also remember various alarming feelings of weakness , especially in the lower calf muscles, but also lots of tingling in lower arms and legs, at times, and a spread of the numbness and concurrent itchiness across my shoulders, affecting part of the right shoulder for the first time. However, at time of writing, I'm noticing all this has died down so perhaps it was due to the Val Cd walk, which tired me out.  When Ia arrived there, I noticed I couldn't write very well.
So what a lot I DO remember!! The memories truly are there, it's the recall and concentration that is the problem. But writing helps, it helps make words flow so much better than when I try to speak.  Lately I've noticed difficulty forming coherent utterances.
While recalling yesterday, I had and have flashback memories to last week.  For example, remembering my walk to Val Cd, and everything that happened that day.
Then remembering on Sunday that after lunch of ravioli, T and I went to see AM, R and C, I didn't think to take them eggs but T took the saffron from D. Had a lovely chat to C and we've agreed to meet up in M during the winter weekends to go to exhibitions and see interesting places there.
Sunday - S suggested we come to L and have a pizza - great idea!!  Well done S for remembering my pledge of only a week earlier to meet up each week for a meal and chat! What else did I do?? had a nap, then went to R's for a nice chat. Flashback - remember trying to recharge phone online and it didn't work - furious!!
Today I asked O about my idea to recall what we had done a week ago.  She remembered she had gone to the city far with M.  I only remember doing the lesson for D and that it was a lovely sunny day. Nothing else about last Monday.
In the week -  what do I remember,? Well I have had some flashback memories of going to M and deciding my jerkin was dirty so taking it to the launderette. I also visited the telecom shop to no avail. And the photography shop about my films. Not ready yet.
I ordered new shoes on Thursday, was it? Maybe Wednesday. but got messages to say they hadn't been shipped. However they have been now. Must buy new walking boots - mine are slicks.  Wednesday M phoned because I was supposed to go for the lesson that day.  I had moved the appointment to Thursday thinking I had made a mistake, but that was the mistake. We had a nice lesson, G being there too, and M laughs such a lot! I realise that's probably the only time she laughs. Bumped into her in the Telecom shop the next day, along with the B and B people from O. S came Friday evening and the lesson went well.  Have contacted old students to see if they want to continue.  Some do, some don't.
Tuesday,? Well A came and we emptied out the shoe cupboard.  great job! Nearly forgot something last week - what was it?? No, it was the week before.  I was talking to the fact people, showing them the  hens, and suddenly realised I was supposed to be at Ms to sort out the documents for the casa vacanza registration.  But the rest of Tuesday??
Wednesday?? Just had a flashback that Friday afternoon went to the trade fair in M to S's stand.  The trade fair was mind-boggling! And it was so nice spending time with S, who appreciated my having come. we stopped at M on the way back!!
I remember doing some cooking - was it Wednesday or Tuesday? Maybe Wed. made a big big lasagne and apple pie.
The project "fat-rich , low carb diet is going well, but I'm no longer a rist. I also try to keep the "one purple food a day" part going, though blueberries no longer available. Plums and beetroot are a substitute.
Hey, given time, things do come back!! It's slow, my recall, but more's there than I thought.
I've tried listening to Rosie si prienteni ei, and got on quite well. Also purcelus Pepa. I'm bored now!!! But more positive about state of brain!!

S.  S... It's painful to live with someone who seems to reject you.  Who doesn't want much to do with you.  Who ignores you.  No sign of affection.  But today, amazingly, he actually talked to me when I went down to the office and opened up, for about ten minutes.  later in the pizzeriaI explained that myself and T are always behind him and that he should talk to us.  I suggested me meet each week and share a meal together.  He harrumphed at that but seemed to accept it.  In response to my complaint he never tells me what is going on, he complained that when he shares ideas and projects with me I say negative things, such as commenting about it being illegal to use bars to block the back door into the office if he has employees.  I tried to explain that these comments were not at all meant as criticisms, but to help him look at things more broadly, to see snags that might lead to trouble in future.  Because T was and is, so rash, rushing headlong into things and not even caring about doing things right, so that he ends up in trouble.  But now, lying in bed, I realise that the reason I look at things more negatively is that I'm trying to protect him. I want to keep him from danger, so I look for it constantly. That's a mother's undying love for her child. But in the meantime, I'm living with someone who doesn't want to live with me.  I want to leave this house, go to Britain, go to Romania,  Go, go....

He is brilliant though, what a mind!

How many times have I harmed my children?  I've thought of this before, and it returns again tonight,  S.  My idea it was for T to buy him the motocross bike, though T was against it. He was right.  Look what happened there.  Me being keen for S to do pole vaulting, which could easily have ended in serious disability or even death, as a consequence of that fall.  Then me not intervening more actively with O five years ago.  Why didn't I go to London? Why didn't I get her to talk to me about her feelings?  It nearly ended in disaster. She could have ended her life. And then S.  me pushing her to get a boyfriend.  Well she has.  There's a saying, "Be careful what you wish for",  and it's so true.  I don't have any current guilt about G.  but must remember not to push him in any direction, such as trying to marry an American, though I have been guilty of this in the past.

I am hoping so much that the doctors will offer cortisone when I do my checkup on Wednesday.  What if they don't? What will I do?  I don't know. I find it so difficult to talk to them.  To explain.  I think I can muster a few coherent sentences to talk bout my physical symptoms but Heaven knows how I could try to summarise the cognitive and personality effects.  Sometimes I feel like I'm getting dementia.  I can't possibly say That!  But I mean it.  Sometimes I sit there, unable to think of anything.  As if my personality is being slowly eroded away.

I think better lying down!!  Maybe 'cos blood flows better to the brain like that!
Thought: having these holes in my brain is like having a lot of tiny strokes, right?  So... people overcome disabilities caused by strokes by learning to use different parts of their brain (I think - must check that). SO I need to work REALLY hard at maths, language, learning names etc, because these are the difficulties I am having caused by my mini-strokes (i.e. the holes). As hard as people work at physiotherapy after a stroke to get walking and talking again. Right??

Great day today!!    A productive morning at Pd.  I took my new "nordic" poles with me (and bloody well forgot them there!!), met a man called Mauro with a dog called Maria from Cma and a house in O.  Did some work  - trimmed grass around the four vines (one and produced some red grapes , small but very tasty) - next year I'd really like to get those vines going because they would be worth it. Raked grass into piles but didn't move it .  Will do tomorrow.  Talked to Fr about mating L..a with F P's pony stallion, but tonight while looking up whether L..a might have foaling problems, realised that the result would be a hinny and not a mule!!  Apparently they are much rarer for various reasons, including that the prospective parents may not want to mate!
Then did the washing at the launderette.  After quick lunch, it was already 2.30pm but nevertheless, I decided it was worth risking not being able to make it to both my objectives before closing time and off I set with R to San P in M. Such a lovely day - perfect September weather. As usual, Italian roadsigns useless, but ended up driving the car higher up than where the actual beginning of the walk was but that was all to the good as it saved time.  After a short walk along a path, came out onto he official mule track, a well-laid one too. The last 15 minutes was steepish, going up in series of steps.  As I reached the top I heard a helicopter approaching, and discovered it was E..K!  giving lifts to people.  Obviously there'd been a festa up there, which explains why so many people were there. The place is far bigger than I thought.  Then back down as fast as possible to go to C to see the Villa d P botanic garden, which turned out to be uninteresting.  At this point I was thinking, I'm on a roll, good luck is on my side today, so let's see if P is in.  And after an ice-cream, I arrived at her place... and she was!! She is the sweetest most generous person ever. Her husband M r i also came. Their daughter is stunning. We agreed we would meet for lunch. Definitely.  No-one can ever leave empty-handed  so I was presented with four packets of strawberry-flavoured biscuits from Tunisia!!  Back home for supper.  I de-frosted a pizza al trancio, then discovered Sam was also de-frosting one.  On enquiring whether he wanted his baking in the oven, he said it was "schifo" because of the green stuff on it.  I explained this was origano but he of course wouldn't accept it.  SO I re-froze it for another time, though I admit mine wasn't as nice as the other pizza al trancio that I've had.  Must have got a different flavour by accident, not having realised different flavours existed!!

To tell Doctor B:  numb patch and pain in left shoulder
pee trouble in the summer

Got the results of my latest scan.  Hmmmm, now I know why I place objects too close to the edges of tables, worktops, and knock things off with regularity.  Also, why simple calculations seem very difficult. All down to damage to the Corpus Callosum.  I wonder if I can overcome these effects by consciously retraining my brain?? Perhaps I should Google for websites providing practice in maths.  My researches also threw up evidence for what I had long suspected, and that was that the two periods of peculiar strong heartbeats that I had could well have been caused by lesions to the brain stem which controls, vital body functions such as heartbeat rate, breathing etc.  Which makes me wonder, somewhat alarmingly, if one could actually die of MS if the lesions in one's brainstem were sufficiently serious to interfere with bodily functions.    Now I've found my blog again, I swear to write something every day, since I forget my life so quickly.  I life in a constant state of Mindfulness - the past is a closed book and the future a misty nebulous space.  Yes, forgetting the past tends to make one cheerful because otherwise one would be tempted to dwell on failures, griefs and mistakes. On other topics, O sends us lots of baby-spam and today she sent the most beautiful photo of herself and M.  S has put it as a screensaver on my phone, though this has obliterated Susy's picture.
Yesterday was such fun at the Danza Moderna.  Average age of other participants: 7!!Felt it in my legs this morning though!  Decided Nordic walking would be a great way to build strength for Back country skiing. Practiced the technique going up to Paradiso.  Tomorrow I'll make myself two sticks to use.  Must remember to take a billhook. (Accidentally discovered a page in "the history of the world in 100 objects about billhooks while trying to find the English term for it!!)

The first ever Easter meal eaten outside, despite it being only March!  It was at Sara's suggestion we did so. It was cooler than it would have been the Sunday before, because the clocks also went forward an hour, making 1pm only 12am the day before. 
Now it's Monday, I'm bored and frustrated I can't get on.  Sam and Sara still abed, the flat people haven't left so I can't remove and wash sheets and towels and the heating has tons tay on, which is a waste was no one is coming in for over a week. 
Had battle yesterday with Sam about his laziness around the house, particularly in regard to cleaning up his cooking things and doing the washing up,. Saturday night he made a fish sauce for his pasta and left all the dirty pots and pans overnight, despite me telling him repeatedly to wash up. Sara told him too. Result - the kitchen stank of it on Sunday morning. Had a nice walk to see Antonella's new house and then walked further, as she wasn't in, on the path to Colonghei, but then gave up as it got higher and higher and I wasn't sure how far away it was, or if I'd even know when I'd got there, as these places are never given signs. Then continued on a level path to Perla, where I took lots of photos as it was a pretty place. 

Friday 1st April

Don't know what happens to all the times I write and press "save" - where do those posts go to??
Boh, anyway, I'll try and write something each day.
Have had a return of that strange pain, starting in my left ribcage, then spreading to my right ribcage, and sometimes going to my left shoulder, starting as a dull pain, then stabbing pains, and spasms, though not very strong ones, down my right side. My back got very stiff as well. I couldn't put my socks on on Wednesday!  Tried 400mg of ibuprofen - it worked a bit.  Saw neurologist - he doesn't like me, I reckon. Anyway he thought not MS related but I disagree, I think it's the MS Hug. It's neuropathic pain.  Discovered a good website About.com for MS, it was really informative.  Discovered that itchy spot I had the years before my diagnosis - is a symptom of MS too.  Ha, I knew it was something strange, that it kept itching in the same place but felt funny to scratch. Also an unpleasant sensation when you touch your skin. That's also a symptom. These things all have scientific names, which it might be good to learn in order to communicate better with the doctors.
Might have an eye test tomorrow, because I noticed yesterday my sight was worse in my right eye. And I've got brain fog - keep forgetting things and peoples names, well, a complete disaster.  And yesterday I tried to speak Romanian to a gypsy begging outside Lecco hospital yesterday. She asked me for a sandwich so I obliged, but could not remember the words for cheese or for ham. Then later she was substituted by her daughter, who was terribly uncomfortable trying to kneel with high heels on. Then then asked me for a coffee, which I gave them, and for money, which I didn't give them. However, it was a bit disappointing because having got the coffee, the mother then said they had to catch a bus and they disappeared!!

The ex has been slipping back into his bad old ways recently - i.e. bullying abusive behaviour.  He got the cold shoulder this morning and as a result, left after making himself some lunch.  I didn't not talk to him at  all, I simply answered yes and no to any questions and didn't volunteer any remarks.  He evidently got the message. This was as a result of yesterday evening when I dared raise the topic of our nephew.  I want him to see he needs to think about what he's going to do, since he'll be 18 within 11 months. It's going to be one hell of a problem. The ex wouldn't listen to my attempts to gently get him to discuss options but lost his temper, deliberately interrupting and shouting angrily.  I will not be cowed into submission because there are some big moral issues at stake. So I'll email him, so he can't bully me. The last time I was treated to an outburst I forget now what sparked it off.  At any rate, once launched, he treated me to a tirade of angry sarcastic comments, sneers and jeering laughter, ending in false insinuations that I don't want to work and am pretending to be ill.  This only confirmed my view I could never ever live with him again and furthermore, I decided that I don't want to be in this country for the rest of my life.  I really do want to go back home, to be old in peace. Decision taken. I fear he'll end up a lonely old man, which is very sad, because he won't ever understand why everyone keeps away.  The truth is, his friends have largely deserted him, except for the blood-sucking type that want to get what they can out of him and I mean F C and his ilk here. The BB family at large is noticeably lacking in real affection for family members, keeping themselves very much to themselves. Note how many people visited A when he was dying.  No fear, they kept their distance.  So no chance of any of them taking any notice of him. His own children will not entirely desert him, no, I don't think so, but they're all likely to end up in different countries to this one.  He thinks listening to the other person's opinion is not what a conversation is about.  According to his thinking, a conversation is for making the other person think what you want them to and do what you want them to. And most of all, it's about him telling them what he thinks. So naturally, other adults get bored and end up keeping away.  He isn't good company.
The other issue, the lady who made those allegations about the ex's behaviour towards her, allegations of trying to get her into his bed, that she made to both me and G, I've thought about this and decided she is lying.  There are several good reasons I think this.  One is, she never mentioned any of these things when I met her, which I did weekly, but said, on the contrary, that she respected him as a father and brother. Secondly at the end of each of her last two relationships with men, she made extraordinary allegations about the men, saying they'd beaten her badly, smashed her things, etc etc.  Despite never having a mark on her, and despite her being quite willing to meet and talk to these men subsequently.  What's more, she also revealed herself to be no stranger to violence, as the ex said she had tried to attack N with a wooden spoon!!!  Conclusion: while I still feel some affection for her and will keep my promise to her  to teach her English if she ever contacts me (but, note, it's her who has to contact me, since I've already sent a message to which she hasn't replied) and wants me to, other than that I will not seek to continue our friendship because she is an inventor of stories. Perhaps, it occurred to me, she has invented a story about me too, which she's told her brother, so he's banned her from contacting me.  (The mind boggles. What could she have invented?  That I steal?  Am a lesbian? Am having an affair with someone??) Another conclusion reached from all this is that nationalities do have certain characteristics.  And in Aa, aggression and authoritarian-type behaviour seems to be the norm, as a means of dealing with disputes  and issues among family members.
Boh, this seems to be a very negative post, but I needed to get this out of my system.

Resolution: take responsibility towards goddaughter more seriously.  Can be achieved if I can only get in contact with her!  At least, let her know she can communicate with me if she wishes.  According to elder daughter, people like the above, possibly including the above, take drugs at discos.  

For once!  A whole day without having to cook a meal for someone, or collect someone, or deliver someone somewhere!!  Heaven knows how many years it's been since that last happened!  I spent the whole day in front of the computer, doing my things at my pace - it was blissful!
The evening course went well so I'm getting back into the swing of things.  The students were good, and they now realise there's serious learning to be done.  I need to give them lots of homework.

Various thoughts:   number one, stay away and don't get involved in the affairs of ex-spouses.  One only gets one's fingers burnt.  Much better accept  the money and then keep one's own counsel, do one's own thing and consequently live in peace.  Second, is it possible that some people don't need to be in love to have a successful marriage and could basically be a spouse to any number of other halves?  I imagine this mindset must allow lots of people who have arranged marriages to make a success of their relationship. Our current western culture assumes everyone has to be in love romantically in order to have the prerequisite  type of love for marriage.  And another thing, that some people have a more successful relationship with a partner who isn't nice to them all the time, or that makes life difficult, or has a difficult temperament etc etc. and conversely end up bored with and desirous of escaping from the relationship with someone who is invariably decent, kind, loving and generally problem-free.

Travelling always provides food for thought, as does going to mass.  New resolution: go to mass each  weekend!  Sitting in a beautiful and historic building, listening to the wisdom of ages, with time to reflect on the thoughts sparked off in one's mind by the prayers, sermon and whatever else, is good for the soul, without a doubt.  Whenever I go anywhere, I realise how much there is to see and how interesting the world is.  But how many people there are in it!!  The queues of traffic of people driving east towards T were quite amazing!!   The photos at the exhibition were stunning too.
Must find out some more about that photographer's work for Airone and Nat Geographic.  Photos look much better either back lit on a screen or at least, printed large. Another resolution: go to a Christmas carol service this year!!
Notice I do better when I have quiet mornings, so I can plan my day and my week.  When there's a lot  going on in the mornings I move around starting and leaving off tasks randomly.  Quite useless like that.  I was doing better last week than this. Hope this thing isn't starting to flare up again...

Some people love posting on Facebook or sending emails with advice or tips on how to live a good life, of the type:"Forgive as soon as possible, love without boundaries...". These sort of things only serve to  make me feel guilty.  I never measure up to all these  standards.  What's more, if I were to try and consciously follow them all religiously, I would go crazy, there are so many of them.  So here's my advice: when in receipt of emails or round robins giving unwanted advice, don't read them, delete them.   You'll feel better.

The hens are positively inundating us with eggs!!  I end up giving half of them away.

The weather's lovely and the garden is doing me proud.  I must get a camera to photograph it around the year.  The donkeys' flanks are bulging  disgracefully from their having stuffed themselves silly on the green grass in the R's field.  They simply love it there, and cantered and strutted - their heads held high and sideways-on to their bodies in their display posture - for at least ten minutes when I first put them there about ten days ago.  Got a surprise today, when my email to G asking if I could visit her and C, was unexpectedly and belatedly answered.  She accepted the proposal, which leaves me in a bit of a quandary as to when I can fit it in, having now agreed with S to go to Copenhagen in honour of her birthday.  
Went to look at cameras today.  There were so many it was astonishing, and who knows how to choose the right one?? For us short-sighted types, a view finder is recommended anyhow.

Good deed for the day, which wasn't at all planned, but having made that resolution I'm now on the lookout for possible good deeds  - this thing is life-changing! It went like this: I find a nice wide car parking space and promptly park.  A van comes along behind me and pauses, then the driver asks me if there is a space two cars along.  I look and confirm, but see it might be tricky for him to get into it due to other cars parked very close by on the road.  Good deed comes into my mind.  I say: "Would you like me  to go in that space, then you can have this one?"  Driver is immensely grateful and I purr with altruistic feelings!  Ha ha!
Lovely day - it's raining, in showers, the sort of rain that penetrates and rejuvenates the soil, making it come alive with funghi, invertebrate life and busy plant roots. It's difficult to find other people who appreciate rain, but one of my friends does.  Cheers, B!

To help me keep to my resolution, I add "Good deed for the day" on my daily "To do" list.  It works! What's even better, I find I do more than one good deed per day!  Yesterday I joined LIPU. Today my good deed is a free English lesson. Not bad, eh!
About the toadstools... well, they didn't get any taller but the caps expanded greatly.  I can't see what they are yet, they're still small, but I don't think they're mushrooms.

There are some toadstools growing in the lawn.  I'm going to measure their progress during the day.  At  9.50 this morning they are already visibly taller than when I first went out and spotted them at 8.30am.  They are 5.5cm tall and have developed a distinctive stalk and white cap.  This morning they appeared as a white blob.  Wish I had a camera.  Must buy a camaera...

Just listened to Malala Yousafzai on the BBC Today programme.  What an extraordinary young lady. She is an inspiration.

Yesterday I aimed to do one thing to make money every day.  Today I have a new aim - to do something to help someone or something every day.  If I can achieve that, I will feel it is worthwhile to be alive.  I'll count for something, in some small way, despite my illness.  Wow that's the first time I've admitted it to myself - my illness.